Fat Jake's Bar and Grill

I love Fat Jake's. I know it takes some knocks but where else can you go where you will randomly meet old friends and get drinks for a decent price? And there is pool and dancing. And real bar food!

Jake's is a place where where men are men, women are women, and everyone joins together to fight off rampaging Lava Men. Let me explain.

I was visiting Northern New York a few weeks back and was staying with my parents near Titus Mountain. When the fam was asleep I was still on California time...what to do? Thankfully there was Fat Jakes!

I have a love- a dirty, dirty love- of Labatt's Blue which the rad bartender was able to fulfill!  I am really terrible at pool, but found that I have a talent for screwing up everyone's game. Not too shabby I guess?

But the deck. Oh, the lovely deck. I got to hang out and smoke at a bar. I GET TO SMOKE AT A BAR! It's such a novelty nowadays. Old friends and high school crushes bumped into me and I had  a lovely time.

The party in and out of Jake's was going so strong at 1:00 am that no one noticed the Lava Men! Giant, raging Men of Magma whose only desire is to snuff out the surface world of men. They approached the bar. I noticed a burning smell and looked out from the deck: Lava men, surrounding us! Why had they picked Malone, NY as their first conquest????

I had no time to wonder. With a shout I alerted the other patrons to the presence of the Magma Monstrosities.I guess a lot has changed since I lived in NNY because the bouncer just smirked and handed out fire extinguishers from a hidden back room.

"Ever since they finished the Supermax these damn things keep trying to burn the town down. " he explained to me as he handed me a chemical retardant extinguisher. it felt heavy in my hands "Don't know what happened but they say the SuperMax prison is cursed, some kind of ancient evil was buried there. Mohawks won't go near it. They say these men emerged from nearby to help free the Ancient ones. But we ain't gonna let that happen!"

I looked up and watched the patrons line up along the deck, facing out towards the troop of Lava Men. As the Lava Men steamed their way to us, we all let loose with powerful streams of fire extinguishing goodness, causing unholy moans and screams to ripple through the ranks of the Men of Liquid Stone.

Suddenly-a massive shattering sound, as if a ten ton vase hit the ground.,Another-and another! The Lava Men were shattering, breaking apart into a crumbly mix of basalt and granite. We were winning!

As the Lava Men tore back down into the ground, a local work crew arrived to seal their subterranean hole with cement. Drinks were handed out all around and we celebrated a raucous victory of humanity over monsters.

Always an exciting time at Fat Jake's!