Long Branch Saloon

The pantheon of crummy restaurants is busting at the seams, but I believe Long Branch has achieved a singular and elusive distinction: The most horrifyingly distasteful restaurant experience in Northern Illinois.

Now, allow me to frame my argument.  Restaurants are universally rated on several criteria: 1) Quality of Food, 2) Efficacy of service, 3) Ambiance, and 4) Value.  Long Branch fails miserably on at least three of the four.

1) Quality of Food-I can only speak to the "Long Branch Special Ribeye" that I ordered.  It was small, fatty, and possessed of an odd grey color.  In fact, it appeared to be boiled and then slapped on the grill for a few seconds so that the requisite grill marks were visible.  It was totally bereft of flavor, but because I was ravenously hungry (see # 2 below) I ate most of it.  The small baked sweet potato that I ordered as a side was serviceable.  The cole slaw was tasty.  My wife reported that the world famous fried chicken, which was ordered by most of our large party, was dry, hard, and greasy.

2) Efficacy of Service-Here's where the story gets interesting.  We arrived at 5:00 on Saturday evening, and ordered our food almost immediately-the place was not busy when we were seated.  Our entree orders did not begin arriving at our table until well after 7:00.  We waited, patiently and politely, with 3 young children and several senior citizens, for over two hours.... for fried chicken and boiled steak.  There was narry an apology, not so much as an explanation, and never an ETA on our food.  When we finally inquired as to the hold up, the waitress asked what time it was, and when I told her it was 6:50, she replied "10 more minutes."  Puzzling to say the least.  The food arrived at about 7:20.

3) Ambiance-I don't begrudge any restaurant for not looking like it stepped out of a design magazine.  This one was much as you'd expect from a bar centered establishment in a small town, i.e not much to speak of.  Various John Wayne photos and cheesy framed bits of wisdom adorn the walls.  And that's fine, if lacking imagination, except for the fact that Duke would have famously called the place Ri-G*dd*mned-diculous if he ever visited.

4) Value-You would reasonably assume, based on the inexcusable wait for our food, that the staff of the Long Branch would bend over backwards to try and salvage our experience.  Not so.  A 20% gratuity was added to every one of our bills.  Additionally, for a remote, small town dining experience, this place was lights out expensive: 1 quarter fried chicken dinner, a kids grilled cheese, the Long Branch "Special" ribeye (special in this case is pejorative), 1 Blue Moon, and 2 Goose Island 312 was $49 before the mandatory 20% gratuity.  I refused, out of principal and at risk of imprisonment, to pay the gratuity, by the way.

All in all, an experience that will be indelibly etched, at number one, on the tablet of horrible restaurant visits.