Sweet Springs Saloon

This place is so cute! That bartender Rachael is the best and let me sample the beer to see what I would like the most! They have a beer called tap it and its a IPA I've never tried this but it's amazing. Cool ass memories for life!

I've been there a few times on the weekend. The bartender, a younger woman was rude and didn't seem to have time to make a proper drink. She also seemed to expect a $2 tip for pouring a beer from the tap. The older women who work the evening shift seem nice enough, but this one (Rachel I believe was her name) was rude to the me and my guests. As long as she works there, they can do without my money or recommendation.

Famed Spanish explorer Don Gaspar de Portolà was thirsty when he and his expedition reached present day Los Osos in September of 1769. The party was marching by foot from San Diego, in search of Monterey Bay which had been discovered by explorer Sebastián Vizcaíno in 1602. Portolà's task was to find Monterey and determine if it was indeed a suitable place to establish a new Spanish colony. It is said that Don Gaspar was so enchanted by the beauty of Morro Bay that upon first sight of it he demanded the procession rest, and that a barrel of ale be uncorked at once as reward for his men who had made the 350 mile trek up the coast. Señor Don Gaspar was himself so parched that he took down five mugs of ale in under cinco minutos.

As the entire party was schwasted that night, reports are a trifle inconsistent; however, most historians subscribe to the following theory of how the rest of the evening went down:

With a bladder as full of urine as Fox news is full of shit, our boy Donny G. had to piss like a ten-peckered racehorse. According to legend, when he finally did drop trou' and lubricate the local foliage, his eyes were watering so thoroughly that in them his men were said to have seen the reflection of enough constellations to navigate a ship by. So relieved was our hero that he bellowed at the top of his lungs "I AM DON GASPAR DE PORTOLÃ… AND I'M HERE TO PARTY AND FUCK BITCHES!!!"

The Sweet Springs Saloon was built on the very site of that historic urination, and it is said that the ghost of Don Gaspar de Portolà still frequents the Saloon. Kegs of ale have been known to deplete faster than they ought to have, and the smell of his piss haunts the bar. Tourists and idiots who complain of this smell in reviews of the saloon are ignorant of the legend, and should be ignored. In fact, good fortune is said to accompany those who catch a whiff of de Portolà's pee. One man who was fortunate enough to have gotten a good lungful of the sweet golden odor discovered the next day that his arthritis had completely vanished, and no longer did he require the assistance of little blue pills to satisfy his wife's carnal cravings.

Regardless of whether or not you believe the myth surrounding the Sweet Springs Saloon, it's well worth a visit. The girls behind the bar are all great, and are more than capable of mixing up your favorite libation. Watch out for Rachel, though. That sultry little vixen is like a sexy version of Medusa. If you peer into her beautiful searing eyes for more than a second, you're gonna need to politely excuse yourself to go change your chones . . .