Miceli's Restaurant

Have you ever thrown up in your mouth, then swallowed it?  Welcome to Miceli's, where the food is even worse than re-swallowed vomit.  

I've been a foodie since I was a kid.  I'm adventurous and LOVE trying new places.  Simply put, and I'm not exaggerating for effect, Miceli's was the worst meal I've ever had anywhere by anyone.  It was bad enough that I'm tempted to petition Yelp to add negative stars.  It was that bad.  Where do I start...........

For starts, the place is essentially a small town, road side Italian dive.  You know what I'm talking about.  The kind of place that "thinks" it's upscale dining, but the owners have been trapped in their redneck riviera bubble for 30 years and have no idea their restaurant is actually a dump by non-bubble standards.  The restaurant is dingy.  Low hung ceilings make the place feel smaller than it is.  There's one restroom up front that men and women share.  It's somewhere between a Denny's restroom and your average Chevron, "grab a key at the counter and go around back" restroom.  

When we walked in, we were pleasantly greeted and advised it'd be 10 or so minutes.  We were seated promptly.  I was excited when I noticed we were being seated in front of an aquarium.  Then I looked closer at the fish.  It was a freshwater tank...........in an Italian seafood restaurant..........perched on the banks of the ocean.  There was algae growing inside of it, but I know those things aren't easy to care for, so I gave it a pass.  Next thing I noticed was the menu was HUGE.  Ask any food critic about food and they will tell you one universal truth..........the larger the menu, the less likely you will get a stellar meal, b/c the chef's interests and practice are too divided.  In my own life, this has been proven to be true probably 95% of the time.  Big menus = mediocre food.  

My wife settled in and ordered.  I got a blackened swordfish what was on the specials menu.  I figured if it was locally caught, it was likely to be better prepared.  It came with clam chowder.  My wife ordered the crab cakes.  I also ordered a glass of nero d'avola.  I had hesitations when the waitress had never heard of the wine, and had to look at the menu to spell it.  

20 minutes later, we had our meal.  Right off the bat, I could tell the food was going to suck.  The New England clam chowder was the consistency of water.  Literally.  And, my swordfish looked really hard, rather than flaky and tender.  So, my wife and I quickly shoveled in a few spoonfuls of chowder.  Wow, it was the worst chowder I'd ever had.  And to top it off, it was literally 95-97% potatoes.  There were virtually no clams in there.  Next, we tried the crab cakes.  H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E.  The worst either of us had ever had (we love crab cakes).  They were so dry and bland, we had to soak them in the sauce that came on my swordfish just to eat them.  At $13, we weren't going to let them go to waste.  Next, we tried the swordfish.  It was like eating rubber.  You literally had to saw it to take a bit, then chew for forever to swallow.  Remember your dad or granddad's rule about chewing 21 times before swallowing?  Dad would have been proud, b/c it took a lot more chews to swallow the blackened rubber.....er, swordfish.  When the waitress came by, she asked how it was and I gave a polite, but honest reply.  She watched me take a stab and the swordfish and could see how hard it was.  So, she took it back to be redone with a hint of embarrassment.  She apologized profusely, but it wasn't her fault.  

After 10-15 minutes, another arrived.  Same store, second verse.  Actually, this one was even more rubbery.  And in the middle, it was still cold and read.  Fail.  I ate a little, then gave up when I got to the still frozen part.  Guess "special" doesn't mean "fresh".  They took the fish off my menu, which I hadn't asked for.  Still had to pay for the nasty chowder and crab cakes.  Ha ha.  

All in all, Miceli's is an example of a restaurant that exists solely b/c the frigid temps of the midwest have destroyed the taste buds of the midwesterners who descend upon the west coast of Florida like a plague of love-handled locusts.  They plow through dumps like Miceli's, inhaling every morsel insight, while bragging to their buddies about how much snow they shoveled before coming down for a month.  Side note:  if you ever want to take a trip to the midwest, just come to the west coast of FL.  You literally can go a week and not meet a single person that's actually from Florida.  All of the waitstaff are from the midwest.  The patrons are from the midwest.  30% of the cars bare midwest license plates.  

One thing that deserves praise, our waitress (I think her name was Robbi or Ronnie) was incredible.  I've honestly never seen anyone hustle as hard as she did from table to table.  If my own company weren't 1,000 miles away, I'd hire her, b/c she's the kind of hard worker you can build a business with.  

~ Fabricio

Recommended by a broker on Pine Island. My crab cake sandwich was very good and although I ordered the 12oz beer, she poured me a 16oz instead and charged for the 12. Good deal there. They were very creative trying to come up with a decent, vegetarian pasta dish for my wife and did a very good job of that.
Very affordable, friendly staff and a bit above average food for a tourist area. Shows a lot of wear from father time though.
Even though it was ok, I would spend more $$ and look for more upscale. However, who can beat a $1.25 beer, right?

All I wanted is what I saw on the marquee outside. Happy Hour $1.50 pints.
Fine... I asked if they had a clam or conch chowder. "Yes, a clam" I asked. "New England or Red?" "New England." "Fine... A bowl and its happy hour right? What's on tap?"
Yada yada yada..."Fine, I'll take the Blue Moon with orange slice."
The beer was sour due to poorly cleaned lines. OK... I can deal with it.
The chowder tasted good but the potatoes were undercooked and the soup was Luke warm at best. I should have left. But I was nice and told her it was not hot. It was whisked away to be unsuitably microwaved to a slight bit more warmed. I realized afterwards that I should have known that it was undercooked to begin with and may have fallen into the "Danger Zone" of food safety. Ate quickly and she said I should order the Oysters. I chugged my beer and declined. My tab arrived with the soup at $5.49... Fine... Beer $3.75...huh? I said the beer should be the happy hour $1.50.
She said that Blue Moon and Sam do not apply. I said that when I said it was happy hour and ordered, she should have clarified. Well she hovered around me as I glared at my $9.80 tab total.
I left $10.00 and felt I over paid on her tip of 20 cents.  My stomach simmered with potentially spoiled soup and sour beer.
Second chance will be year's later folks.
Don't waste your time just yet with this local dive.