Cafe Roswitha

Go to Cafe Roswitha if you A) already like German food and know what to expect, or B) if you want to try a cuisine that's completely different.

This is a nice place. It's nicely decorated (and yeah, Cory H. is right: everything is for sale) and the people there were nice; the place is run by a server and a cook, the only other two people in the building for most of our visit.

There is a gift shop in the front the of the restaurant that sells fancy soaps, old hot sauces (labeled with Obama/McCain/Palin jokes, so that old), and knick-knacks, all of which are surprisingly not-German. There is even a couple of signs outside that read, "50-75% off!" and "Clearance!"

What I'm getting at so far is, they might be confusing people--Are you the only German restaurant in town, or Springfield's supplier of Bert's Bees products? They might be graying those lines a bit--Do I really want to look at a mediocre painting next to me on the wall that's selling for $750?

On to the food.

Being Polish, I understand limited cuisines. Go to a Polish restaurant and you'll get the basic selection of 5-6 staples, and if they're good, you're in for a treat.

German cuisine, we'll say, is not as expansive as 5-6 items. Basically, they have 4 things: schnitzel, goulash, rouladen, and sauerbraten. There were a couple of specials, like having the sauerbraten made with pork instead of beef, or prime rib, and you could get the main 4 in a sampler (which is what I had), which is what I suggest.

And really, it's all good. It's different, certainly. An array of comfort food, basically. What they do for most things is this: pound the shit out of a piece of meat until it's flat, marinate it for a week, fry it up, and then serve it with gravy and these noodle-things called spatzle. All of it is very good--who doesn't want meat marinated in sauces and then fried up with gravy? It's a great concept. Cafe Roswitha basically serves 4 varieties, plenty for a visit.

So why wasn't anyone there? It was Saturday night, 7 p.m. Even with a million restaurants in this town, they just have to do better. It amazes me, reading Cory H.'s review, that they are still open, as he reported the exact same thing: Weekend night, nobody in there but him. Maybe they're selling a lot of fancy soaps and moldy hot sauce. Maybe it's a tax shelter for the Frankfurt mob. Maybe the owner doesn't need money, as long as she can serve schnitzel to Midwesterners, sating an inner hunger to serve schnitzel to Midwesterners. Not sure.

The most popular German place in Chicago, Chicago Brahaus, is packed every night, sometimes meaning you can't get a table. What do they do differently? I know that Chicago has about 8 million more people, sure, but Brahaus also has big steins of beer, a much larger menu, a more casual atmosphere, frauleins dressed in fun outfits, and an oompa band playing polka music every night in front of a dance floor.

Cafe Roswitha clearly wants to sell arts and crafts and Toblerone products, so it's unlikely that this is going to turn into the basement scene in Inglorious Basterds (pre-shootout) any time soon. Too bad, too, as I'd hate to see it close because nobody's showing up.

I'm the first, really?

Fans of mine, beware: I actually like something for a change, but I'm sill pissed and going to tear this place apart.

Cafe Roswitha staff and owners--this is what I do. I make it a habit to pick things that make me upset or pissy and write about them. Don't take it as too much of an insult, because everyone sucks and no one is awesome.

I had the Rouladen. Delicious. My girlfriend had the Schnitzel. Also delicious. We shared traditional potato salad and cheesecake. As for German food, this place was pretty damn awesome. As for the atmosphere...it has much to work to do.

Firstly, the location is awkward. We were surprised to see that such a high quality restaurant was so dead on a Saturday night, but given the locale, it makes perfect sense. There's plenty of parking and its easy to find, but Nakato's Steakhouse and the Battlefield Mall make an overwhelming shadow that hide this cafe from view.

Second, this is a dual business. Half gift shop, half cafe. Clever idea if it existed in a high trafficked area, but it doesn't. Everything in this place is for sale. This was annoying. There is no restaurant theme in this business other than "you wanna buy it? Buy it" attitude. Even the salt and pepper shakers were for sale...for nearly $15 a piece!

Music was played on a boombox.

Candles came with batteries.

I suspected the server of being our chef too, which isn't too bad for a fine dining, but makes me uneasy knowing that she could very easily become overwhelmed. Considering the temperature of the cheesecake, I suspect its made out of house and ordered in.

I was really hoping for traditional German desserts, but between the Spaeztle and the mounts of potatoes, a large dessert would have been the end of me.

Price was okay.

You wouldn't bring a party here.