Platinum Plus

What he said.

By the way, cab drivers carry free entry cards, so that 10$ cover isn't an issue if you cab it.

I arrived at PlatiPlus because men with varying interests, levels of education, and income levels can always agree on one thing...adult entertainment.

PARKING: might be free but I don't know, because I parked in the wrong lot. The back of the club faces the street so it's not exactly intuitive.

BOUNCERS: I was a bit apprehensive when I saw the security staff because the Good (at dressing alike), the Bad (at replying to greetings) and the Ugly, were all pretty big boys. I'm a pretty big 'un myself, but not COUNTRY BIG. 90% of them sport shaved heads and facial hair, and as I walked by I imagined them saying things like,

"That one there is gon' be trouble, better break out the cattle prod."

My initial trepidation was for no reason, because I didn't even notice them afterwards.

The real beat down came at the door, I was hit with a $10 cover, on a Wednesday night?!

DRINKS: are cheap by strip club standards. A Red Bull and two Heinies came up to $14. They even ran a promotion, $3 bucks for my favorite shot (Jäger) or my least favorite (Patrón). There's a beer cart and the obligatory, Test Tube Babies (scantily clad girls selling brightly colored body shots in culture tubes).

DANCERS: I don't know how people procreate in Eastern Europe, with most of their reproductive-age female population working abroad. A particularly friendly example said hello, and immediately sat on my lap. Now some of you may think that's a good thing, but some of you may know what I know. Strippers "dance" for a living, and that means they sweat, cool off, sweat, shower in perfume, and sweat etc...in other words, they're constantly layered with grime. Not to mention that they're probably subjected to more contact with body-fluids than a nursing home orderly.

Not that I asked but "Candy" (it took a panel of image consultants weeks to come up with that one) proceeded to tell me a story about a failed rape attempt. It ended with her running alongside a car while being held, until she was pushed head first into a tree (that kind of stuff never happens to strippers). Now I would've felt terrible except that immediately after telling me this, she asked me if I wanted a dance.

DANCES: are NOT cheap and the words PLATINUM PLUS instantly flashed in my mind when I heard the price; $40 for the 2-4-1 special! That's a fair price...if all the dancers receive PPO health insurance including dental, vision and accidental death and dismemberment benefits. Maybe she just wanted to charge me that much because;

A. She needs to pay for medical bills (from what I could see there wasn't a scratch on her)

B. She assumes I make urban $$$ rather than rural $ and would be accustomed to paying that much

C. I'm so suave and debonair that I look rich (definitely not that)

If you decide to purchase one, don't you dare complement them on their dancing ability or out will come a yarn about jazz, tap and modern since age 3 at exclusive conservatories **yawn**. Mom's keep this in mind when you're going to enroll your toddler in dance class, your daughter or god forbid your son, will be learning with a higher percentage of future exotic dancers than any other type.

TIPPING: is not a city in China, but the locals just didn't seem to care. The girls were really working and workin' it, but the patrons were practicing the "no gash, no cash" method of gratuity. I had a few singles burning a hole in my pocket, and they were exhausted rather quickly. I head to the bar to acquire more, and as I'm walking back I notice the strangest thing; where's George Washington's receding hairline? Where's that Masonic/Egyptian eyeball temple? To my surprise, I was holding $20 worth of crisp $2 dollar bills! When I checked one of my buddies, he's was absolutely bursting with them too. So before that moment, we were tipping dancers, bartenders and rest room attendants double. When I asked the manager about this, he simply stated, "That's just our thing." To which I replied, "I don't appreciate your ruse, sir."

AMATUER NIGHT: is completely laughable. The same pros begging for money on the floor earlier were now competing as "amateurs". There were only two real ones, and they surely looked the part. One had "John" written in cursive over her heart and "Greg" on her hip. The other rookie was an accomplished dancer with an athletic body, but something was just too good to be true. I turned to one of the locals, who no-shit was named, Billy Williams, and asked him, "Is that a tampon string?" He was so discreet, he immediately started yelling at the top of his lungs, "Yeah man, she's on the rag!" and began pointing it out to everyone and anyone.

Neither the best, nor the worst club of this type I've been to, but at least it's got the three Fs. Full-nudity, full-contact, and full-bar. I don't know how this compares to the clubs in the area but at the very least, you can drink here until 4am.