Tiki Bob's Cantina

Oh, Tiki Bob's... Wow. And ew.

I will admit up-front that at this point in my 25 years of life, having had time to really hone my tastes, I am just so not into dance clubs. I like little hole-in-the-wall dive bars.

But I used to like dance clubs. And back when I was 18 and 19, newly free of the boyfriend I had throughout most of high school and testing the proverbial waters of places other than my very small and redneck hometown for the first time, Tiki Bob's wasn't too bad. That is to say it was somewhat better than Clutch Cargo's. I have a few almost-literal horror stories from nights at that place but I digress.

Back then (2005-ish), Tiki Bob's wasn't anywhere near the joke it has since turned into. Raunchy, yes, but no sense of impending doom upon entry. And by doom, I mean a really, really lame time. Decent-sized crowds. Typical dance-club music. Whatever. When you're under 21 your options are limited.

Nowadays, however... Stay far, far away. Particularly if you are 21+ and have a full range of nightlife options. I haven't witnessed any fights but I hear they are prevalent. I also hear the drinks are weak (I wouldn't know since I almost always stick to beer). My last experience at Tiki Bob's involved no cover charge which was the only reason we even went in, and free beer and pizza just so they could get people in, but the tactic wasn't working particularly well. For reference, it was a Saturday night. We stayed maybe 20 minutes before heading elsewhere.

Bottom line: just don't do it. If you've been recently, you don't need this review to know why. If you went years ago and had an OK time, forget about it. And if you've never been... lucky you.

Never again.  

Went there last night with a bachelorette party.  We called ahead and negotiated a no cover for our group, and it STILL wasn't worth going to.  

While standing in line we heard numerous people talking about the "huge" fight that was going to take place that evening.  Hmmm, great.  Upon entering the club I had my purse checked (OK, that's normal), but I was then patted down.  Um, really?  I knew then that this place was a bad idea.

We get inside and it was THE most ghetto club/bar I have ever been to.  Scummy, loud crappy sound system with horrible rap music and the most ghetto crowd I've ever been in the presence of.  The drinks were severely watered down and overpriced, and the bartenders were pushy for making sales.  It's no wonder though.. we were the only group of people at the bar continually getting drinks.  The other hundred and some people were out on the dance floor having a freaking orgy or something.  It was gross.  

We left after 3 rounds of shots, and I will NEVER go again.  I don't care if they have a mechanical bull, the place is NASTY.  And the crowd is ghetto and scary.

Tiki Bob's Cantina. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Alright, semi-relevant Star Wars associations aside, this is hardly a classy establishment; nor does it try to be. The clientele are the absolute dumps, so bring some good friends to help the night pass by in a more enjoyable fashion. You're either a testosterone-laden bro, a promiscuous succubus fueled by your parents' credit cards, or you're out of place.

Formerly a lukewarm midweek budget decision as their big college night is actually Tuesday; the recent rise in cover charges have rendered Tiki Bob's even as even more of an afterthought. Drinks are tiny, impotent, and not worth the price unless you arrive early. The bartenders are, however, prompt and polite.

The venue itself is incredibly tacky, attempting to recreate a tropical college retreat but instead is far too dark and smoky for you to admire the decoration. It also gets unbearably hot during peak times in the Summer.

Seldom-used VIP sections border the dance floor and are rarely occupied, if anything to serve as a higher ground for intoxicated bros to hoot and holler at passing girls. Raffle forms are placed at all the bars and filling one out results in a guaranteed call stating that "You've won!" and if you bring a bunch of friends you get free pizza and drinks if you bring the biggest crowd. You'll lose interest once you realize everybody that filled out of the forms out has the same idea.

There are better options (Believe it or not) in Pontiac, so unless you're in dire need of a dance club on a Tuesday night, pass up Tiki Bob's.