Miami Velvet

What a process to go inside...... You have to fill out a complete background package just to enter. Check in your alcohol and return to the bar so you can ask the bartender to make you a drink and tip her. Too much going on in there, maybe it just wasn't for me.

This is what I wrote in a Google review too.  I swear that the pics online were shot by a talented photographer because the place doesn't look anywhere near that good.  

Also, I tried and went to almost everything that this place had to offer to give it a chance even though I was turned off the moment I walked around the main part of the club with my SO. The place looks okay or a little better online, but very bland in person. I have been to other swinger clubs (in MD and DC), and this one is by very, very far the worse of them, there's just no comparison whatsoever.

Anyway, the main part looks no better than a roadside restaurant lounge w/ dance floor and had your run-of-the-mill lights bouncing around the dance floor. There's a standard small cafeteria kitchen with standard budget finger food that we didn't touch. Past that to the left, you have a group area where there are 3-4 separate high beds covered by red curtains in a super basic living room-looking area. The beds were not the least bit luxurious-looking or sexy, and they were stiff- which isn't a bad thing if you're into that. In these areas, throughout the night, we saw only mild nudity of private parts (just from women) and oral sexual activity hidden by someone's head. Keep in mind that this was a COUPLES NIGHT on a SATURDAY when the club is supposed to get the MOST ACTION going in general, and we made sure to be there between 11 P.M. through 2-3 in the morning to give things a chance to heat up to their prime. We kept going back and forth between the areas to check on the action throughout the night. There was way more action than this in similar areas in the other swinger clubs I have gone to.

So, we went to another area that was loungy and was even less impressive-looking. Then, we headed to the locker rooms to change into towels to go to the more exclusive area, hoping to see much more action and much more decorative rooms and such. Action? Yes, finally in the window rooms and open door rooms to a fairly full extent. No threesums + though, just couples- even in the group private room. Visual appeal of the rooms and corridors and private lounge area? Sooo incredibly minimal and bland, especially the rooms (which each looked like someone on a whim decided to put up four little walls and shove a couple mattresses with sheets on them in there to complete the package) and corridors, with no thematic changes at all- all of which I'm not used to. The running theme is that there is no theme anywhere except "looks like your run-of-the-mill club on a small budget".

We were horrified to find that there appeared to be no safe clean policy with the rooms; no change of sheets after you're done. We saw semen stains and/or condom wrappers in each empty room we were in when we were going to have our own intimate moment. Again, not something I'm used to at other swinger clubs. How this place ever won an award, let alone the impressive ones listed on its site, I have no idea. I just know that I waaaaaaay overpaid with 40 bucks (online for one-month couple membership or 50 bucks in person) and 85 bucks for the two of us. The other clubs that are extremely far superior to this one were also a lot cheaper...OH THE IRONY!

I'm still not going to tell you what happens beyond the silk curtain, but there's a reason why I'm the duchess of this place. *sigh* I love this place ;)