Pioneer Inn Grill & Bar

This restaurant/bar/hotel right by the oceanfront is worn out, but with a very interesting history.  The history is printed on the back of the menu - it's a good read.  

Service is excellent, really attentive.  Beyond that it's not too exciting a place.  The parrot looks like he'd rather be anywhere else, and after seeing all the locals and tourists pestering him, I'd have to agree.

Food is ok, but nothing distinctive.

Love this place! Best breakfasts in Lahina. I love the fresh fruit plate, the french toast is killer, the banana pancakes out of this world. If you finish the Loco Moco you are good till dinner. AND a talking bird.

Our worst dining experience in a long time -- simply put, the food was repulsive.

We were in Lahaina with our three small children and opted for Pioneer Inn because of its convenience and nice setting (comfortable tables, open air in the shade, plentiful ceiling fans).  We knew it was a tourist-y spot and fully expected "mediocre" food based on the Yelp reviews.  However, it managed to fall far short of even our low expectations.

Service was decent.  Our waitress was nice enough, though we were literally the only patrons at 2pm, so it was pretty easy to be attentive.

On the food -- we broke down and ordered "Chicken Strips" from the kids menu for one of our children.  These turned out to be not chicken strips but rather a pile of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets (last seen in the freezer aisle of your local grocery store), deep-fried within an inch of their lives.  These came with a pile of flavorless french fries.  (Contrast this with the Cool Cat Cafe across the street, whose kids menu has real chicken strips.)

Against my better judgment, but craving something light and healthy, I ordered the ceviche.  We're from SF, where delicious ceviche is plentiful, but I allowed myself to reason "Hawaii = Fresh Fish = Possibility of Good Ceviche."  And the waitress told me it was good, and "about a cup" of fish, calamari and scallops served with chips.  Wow.  When it came, diced tomato constituted at least 50% of the volume of the "cup" and the "seafood" looked like boiled ground turkey... little white shreds of fish (there may have been calamari and scallop in there, but they were indistinguishable).  At this weird mix was served with tortilla chips (generic store-bought and also flavorless).  The flavor was "fine" - lime-y and fish-like.  But all in all, an insult to the concept of ceviche and anyone who has ever had the real thing.  Maybe they're counting on tourists from places where real ceviche, with identifiable pieces of fresh, tasty seafood (and no tomato filler), isn't available?

We also ordered spring rolls, advertised as having pork and vegetables -- these had a thick shell that was too hard (seemed like it had been deep-fried more than once) and terrible tasting (tasted like they were using oil that had been used for other purposes and for too long).  Contents were again meager, crumbly and tasted bad.  Out of 6 pieces, we collectively managed to choke down 2 and left the rest.

"Construct your own" fish tacos were the least offensive item we ordered -- decent corn tortillas with oily grilled fish, and some sour cream on the side.

We thought resigning ourselves to mediocre, overpriced food would be worth it to spare ourselves a long walk through town, in the heat of the day, with three small, hungry kids, to find a better choice.  We were wrong!  I would have endured at least 20 minutes more walking and complaining to avoid patronizing this place.  They clearly are counting on a steady stream of desperate tourists like us to stay in business, not repeat customers.

I still feel a little nauseated when I think about those ceviche crumbles.