Sellwood Inn

I sort of don't know what to do with this place.  I met up with a few yelp peeps here and was warned that this was a craphole.  Yes.  Yes, it is.  There are a few good things about it, though.  Decent beers on tap (Mirror Pond, Alameda IPA and a few others) and the bartender was SUPER nice.  It's also big enough to accommodate a larger group.  I found the atmosphere humorous.  You've got the "regulars" and you've got video poker.  Your typical dive bar.  I doubt I'd take anyone here on purpose but to meet up with a group of friends for laughs over some drinks?  Sure, why not?

Now here's a bastion of an era long gone. Unfortunately not in a good way. It's amazing that a place like this still exists in Sellwood, where modest bungalows now fetch $600,000. I came here hoping for that dive bar feel, but hoping that - this being Portland - there would be quality food and drink to boot.

Not the case, as my Dad and I found out.

There were a few interesting beers on tap, so we both went for a lager from Southern Oregon Brewing - a respectable brewery. Our beer, which was served in frosted pint glasses, was flatter than goat milk. It soon became clear why. Looking around at the clientele (remember the bad guys from The Goonies?), and what they were drinking (bottles of Bud & Miller), this is not a place you go to drink interesting beer on tap. But they still buy kegs of it, and there they sit, for God knows how long.

My Dad and I couldn't stomach the flat lager, so I asked for some replacements. "Which of these drafts gets some decent turnaround?" I asked. The lady barkeep was nice enough about it, offering me an Alameda IPA and a Mirror Pond free of charge. I gave Dad the IPA, which he said was a lot better. I took the Mirror Pond, which unfortunately was a lateral move. And I like Mirror Pond - it's a good, run-of-the-mill, go-to pale ale. What entered my mouth was a disturbing combination of chlorine-based sanitizer from a poorly rinsed glass, along with the algae-esque, bacterial taste of a dirty tap. But, since it was better than the lager, and I didn't feel like bothering the barkeep again, I drank it. We'll see in an hour or so if there are any gastro-intestinal repercussions.

We also ordered food, which I knew would be a gamble going in. But I was starving. We both got patty melts because, hey, at least everything should be fried, grilled and melted into sanitary conditions. And they were, including the chips, which were Lay's served in individual bag form.

The beef had that Grade B, food service, pre- and re-frozen taste to it. But it was cooked all the way through, which is not something I usually appreciate, but was grateful for in this circumstance. The bread was lightly grilled Franz/Sysco/whatever wheat bread, accompanied by melty American cheese and grilled onions. This was a meal that you doused liberally with ketchup.

The aforementioned clientele were well behaved, drinking their Coors and chain smoking on the amply-sized patio, even if they were giving us the stinkeye. (We were not regulars, and I was dressed in professional office clothing.) I'm sure these were hard-working folk just enjoying some brewskies after a hard day's work, but I could imagine this crowd turning ugly after beer/shot #20. Previous reviews support this claim.

More than anything, the Sellwood Inn is a fascinating study in the changing demographics of a neighborhood. This place has been here for decades, and you can smell all of the cigarettes that were smoked in that time period. This place is Sellwood 20 years ago, when the neighborhood was dumpy and white trashy - more akin to Gladstone or Milwaukie. The owners, the bartenders and the regulars all harken back to this era.

I wish I could have enjoyed this time capsule phenomenon, but the ugly truth is that the food and drink here are HORRIBLE. A place like this will not survive much longer in Portland, a city where restaurant owners, chefs, brewers and mixologists are constantly raising the bar. I give this place 2 years. I look forward to whatever occupies this space next, provided that they do a thorough cleaning.

I like the Sellwood Inn for a few key reasons....

The size.   I like that this place is large and there is room to walk around,  room at the bar, and even when there is a rush you don't have people pressed against from all sides.  The interior has an old timey family thing going on with dark wood, brick, and carved benches.   The globes above the bar are gorgeous (although never dimmed, even at night).   The patio is covered, wired for sound,  and HUGE!  Also, in the summer there is a grassy area with horseshoes!    

I like that it is a straight forward south east neighborhood bar.  Nothing fancy, at all.    

There is a collection of old men that have been going there FOREVER.   Although, I will say that it does get a little crazy in there from time to time.  Just like any other neighborhood bar, people drink too many and get nutty, get cut off, and walk the hell home.

The staff is nice.  There are a few ladies that have been working there for a long time and they are comfortable with their pace, not yours.    Don't come into this bar and expect something that it's not.   The pours are usually "just right" and not heavy.  There are a number off lottery machines here with new games and new higher pay-outs.    Sometimes it's like "Little Vegas" in there with people actually winning!     Pool table, mega-touch,  bowling game, shooting game, and electronic darts round out the gaming possibilities.   There is a HUGE screen TV in the back bar area, and other flat screens spotted around the place.  This is a good place to watch sports with your friends.  There are many tables near that HUGE TV allowing room for groups and parties.      There is indeed food.  The menu is posted on the wall near the front door.... if you want food, all you have to do is ask.     It's nothing fancy, but hey... sometimes a hot dog is good.  

Next time you are in the sellwood zone, stop in and give it a try.