Penthouse Club

Wow! I had a damn fine time when I went here! I took my friend Cleon who just got out of the joint and was acting all mooslim and shit talking about flying lady horses with boobs till I said, "what do the koran say about white titties?" and he dropped the prislam real fast. The second a brotha who did a fiver for grand theft auto see a head of bleach and some spinning ivory mammies you can put your church or your prislam where the sun don't shine cause it's booty time USA. I loved the atmosphere. This is a real classy joint with the most beautiful women I ever seen at a strip club and it don't make you feel like you walked into Sam Hell cause ain't no sin to love the ladies. This is a classy, classy joint and you best be on good behavior or they throw your ass out.I had some damn fine drinks, they really know how to mix them, and wore my best leather slacks and Tony Lamas, but Cleon just drank soda and insisted on wearing some long ass dashiki pajama galabia thing because he said it fit in with Islam teachings of modesty in that it hide the shape of the body, and I said, "You just don't want the ladies to see you got tiny wood." I dug the music. I knowed I heard some Rick James, and George Clinton in there. I'll be coming back to this place because:
   Ain't No Party
   Like A Penthouse Club Party
   Cause a Penthouse Club Party Don't Quit.

For a second I wasn't sure if I was going to post this review - it was a tough battle between my honesty and dignity. Then I remembered my profile picture is me biting into a fried cricket head. My dignity went out the window long ago, might as well be honest.

So I went to this fine establishment for a charity gala, the theme being supporting single mothers and putting poor students through "med school." It really is amazing how many strippers are actually doctors. I can only imagine how raunchy those hospital Christmas parties get... Anyway, for the most part the club was perfect. Beautiful women, great service (albeit slightly expensive for drinks), but overall it was everything you'd expect from a top notch club in Vegas. It's only flaw was somehow had accidentally put it in Michigan. But despite that, we were still having a great night.

And then I met her - THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS! "Foxy," the beautiful and elegant dancer, moving as gracefully as any future nurse, slowly and calmly sucking on a blue piece of plastic shaped like a cigarette, and... wait, did I say girl of my dreams? I meant nightmares, she was a complete &*#%!

She somehow managed to convince me in my inebriated state, despite a complete lack of charm, that her "PREMIUM DANCE" for $25 was a great investment.  She then proceeded to take me upstairs, text away until the song was almost over, then sway sadly while staring at herself in the mirror. After yelling "NO TOUCHING." It was like the kind of dance you'd get at a county jail, but with less affection.

I assumed she was trying to make up for the lackluster performance when she kept on dancing through the next song silently, but turns out her complete lack of dancing skills could only be rivaled by her complete inability to use numbers. She somehow decided that after 2 1/4 very sad songs, I owed her $125. To which I replied with as much calm and politeness as i could muster, "you're out of your mind!"  The muscleheads outside were running low on creatine and backed her up, saying I owed $75 because "you're a grown man. You could have yelled stop and walked out at any time." Now that's service!  She then capped it off by coming by our table and swearing at everyone for 10 minutes, with class.

Well, least my friend had a great night!

In short, it's a great place, ruined by a dancer that's obviously in the wrong profession. She should be out running a carnival game, where you're encouraged to swindle people, or doing something more befitting of her personality, like clubbing baby seals. If you see a girl there with glasses, smoking an electronic cigarette, "going to med school," and referring to herself as 'foxy,' avoid like tuberculosis. Otherwise enjoy your night at the charity gala.

This is one of the reasons I love Detroit.  It's smaller but two levels helps and the quality of girls is second to none. Be careful, you can spend all your money in here tho.  Excellent service.   Love the fact u can still smoke in here.  I actually ate here once too, surf n turf and it was good even if overpriced but I'll take this kind of scenery when chowing down anyway.  Stiff drinks and friendly bouncers seal the deal for the best strip club in dtown if not entire USA.