This place is a big NOPE! Here is the breakdown of why my ten minutes in Lance's Turtle Bar will be my only time ever spent near that stinkhole.
- Filthy looking panties/bras stapled to the ceiling/walls from when the place opened - can't we at least upgrade from the granny panties of yesteryear?
- Creepy ass regulars who stare blatantly at any relatively young female
- Creepy ass regulars' wives who turn around to insult aforementioned females, who were only waiting for their turn to order
- Getting charged more than the regular who placed the same exact order at the same exact time
As much as I wanted to like this place I really couldn't . Yes, it's on the water and it has outdoor seating. But it falls short on all the other aspects. Walking in the first thing you notice is the whole place looks run down and worn out as did much of the clientele. Â It really doesn't have an inviting atmosphere. The drinks are pricey and small. Don't think I will be going back. .
Review Source:This place should be cool but it's not. Â FWIW, this bar was started by a bunch of young good looking people about 30 years ago. Â The problem is, they all stayed. They don't look very good anymore. They still think they're 25. Â There are lots of old people trying to pick up on the few young girls that go in there. Â There is one old man got caught hiring girls to meet him there so he could pretennd that he picked them up. Pathetic. If you want to know how old the place is just go upstairs and look at the crap on the ceiling. It's gross.
This place is basically a tourist trap. Â The drinks are expensive unless one has a "turtle card." Â So basically people go in there to pay for the regulars to have cheap drinks. Â The only cool thing about the place is that if you give some of the bartenders $20 you can drink free all night long.
You can't go wrong with a floating bar, bottom line. I was there on a Wednesday night so I think it was a chill night. The crowd is a lot older but they appear to be having a great time so I give them props. I hear the best time to stop by is during the day on the weekends, when all the boats stop by to party.
Review Source:Lance's Turtle Club is the only floating bar I've ever been to and its kind of neat that it can be accessed via boat. The downstairs is usually filled with live music and dancing (at least on the weekends) and the upstairs is a little more low-key and relaxed and you can sit outside and listen while people sing karaoke.
I can't say I hate the place because I hung out there every Friday night for an entire summer with my girlfriends. I have no idea why we liked going though considering we were all 21 years old and the average age of a Turtle Club patron is probably mid-forties, but maybe it was because of those thick and rum-filled Bushwhackers -- the bar's signature drink.
I went there a couple of months ago to relive the crazy nights of my youth and I was saddened when I ordered one of the $7 Bushwhackers because it tasted sort of like coconut-vanilla flavored cement. Also, the bar has no draft beer and the selection of canned beer they do stock is very limited.
It's good for an older crowd looking to have a little fun, but if you're young I wouldn't recommend it.
Karaoke. It frightens and enlightens simultaneously. I have major appreciation to those fine folks that can make a fool of themselves, whether its knowingly or not. Establishments that host karaoke tend to always be the same fun loving, casual place. Â It has a reputation of being red-neckish and popular amongst divorcees and swingers. Who the hell wouldn't want to experience a crowd like that after 20 some odd drinks from the day!?! I couldn't help but go, simply for the people watching.
I was on a mission to find an odd couple and sit next to them. Often at times they looked odd, but really just down to earth karaoke swinger people. The man sang Sade and for a moment I wondered if he still had testicles. A girl sang the star spangled banner completely out of tune and in her pretty poly blend outfit. Very special and patriotic. The peak if you will, of this karaoke extravaganza, took place immediately after her. My cheeks STILL hurt from laughing so damn hard. Hang on tight folks, here I go...
" Next up....Tom. Tom, are you here?"
" YES!...now everyone, come up to the dance floor. NOW!"
(music starts with: dum dum dum din din dum dum...Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt....I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get  SPRUNG)
Sir Mix a Lot Baby Got Back is my personal mantra.
All of the hot, 50+ year old ladies, sun burned, saggy boobies and big ole butts start getting down DIRTY, here on this glorious lakeside bar right on the water. This 40 yr old Dallas boy singing played those girls like a p-i-m-p. He knew this song, he had practiced and damnit something tells me this is what he does as a past time. While deal with prissy, young, prude girls when you can play the cougars of Seabrook! Then his other clean cuts boys come on the dance floor and start grinding on the old ladies....some young ladies in swimsuits come dancing. All drunk, all sloppy and so so so fun! Bras, panties and sneakers are hanging from the ceiling.
I just sat there. Dancing on my stump stool and laughing so hard. I wish I had an iphone to upload that shiat on youtube. Hell yes, when in  Rome I will slum it up lakeside and have a grande ole time. That's what independence day is all about people! I suggest you arrive already drunk for optimum entertainment :)
This place is a Clear Lake institution.
A floating bar, the Turtle Club has been around for over 25 years. On my previous visits, it seemed smaller. More recently, some friends and I stopped in by boat.
Downstairs, a full bar and live band. Upstairs, a full bar and karaoke. This place is really like any other bar other than every once in a while you'll feel it list, especially upstairs and in the bathrooms. Still, it's worth checking out if you want to try something different.
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