Swinging Richards

We decided to give Swingin' Richards another try on Thursday night. What a difference a day makes. We got there again at about 9.30 PM and we were assured at the door that there would be plenty of dancers and there were. There were so many hot dancers that after about a half hour they began stripping in teams. Swingin Richards also seems to provide all sort of different types to please everyone. The only similarities between all the dancers is that they all have hot asses and great big dicks, which they seem to " gather" in cock rings so that they remain semi- hard during their all nude sets. One of the things I really liked about the club is that the dancers weren't constantly pestering you for lap dances and the bartenders weren't trying to push drinks. It's a great place to come and relax and watch a bunch of good looking guys take off all their clothes, if that's what you're into. One thing I wasn't fond of was the table of drunk women next to me, who were wearing stupid looking wax lips all night long. One of the dancers even asked them " What's with the ugly lips!" All in all, we had a fun time last night and If you're visiting the area I'd highly recommend you stop in and enjoy the eye candy. One final thing....there was smoking in the club, which I personally hate but Florida is a Red State, so I guess it can't be helped.

MOLDY OLD SPONGE

A very good friend that lives in Ft. Lauderdale wants to love this place, and therefore has taken me here twice while visiting. Both times have been a major yawn fest. For my friend's sake, I really wanted this place to live up to the expectations.

THE "GRAND" ENTRANCE

We walk up to the House of Tacky, in all its hideous red neon glory. The doors are clad with giant handles--oh, wait, on second glance they are curtain rods and finials jimmy-rigged together. I'm glad the owners were able to exercise their 40% off coupons at Michaels Craft Store to make the "big purchase." The theme must be "trying to make something out of nothing." Well, at least they are consistent. Because nothing is what you will see here. Did a couple of broke college students open this embarrassment to adult entertainment on a shoestring budget? Heaven help the world, who will pay daddy back for such an abominable waste of money. The cover was $10, and I would recommend looking behind the black curtain, where you will see six sad bar patrons and some second-string dancers who can't get a job elsewhere. Can I get a refund?

THE INSIDE

Was I in the Museum of Natural Ugliness? Or a tribute to Patrick Nagel? Corrugated shiny silver ceilings entombed this sarcophagus of a strip club. Hotel carpeting, and some of the worst styling from the 80's, complete with Denny's Restaurant club chairs lined this tacky lounge. Lazers flashed from every direction, but even they couldn't mask the catastrophic, abysmal failure of this empty club. Other than six patrons, the only other people in the place that didn't work there were friends of the staff. And even they weren't numerous.

THE DANCERS

Okay, I'm no trip to Hollywood, but these dancers are holding themselves out to be something special. So, while I wouldn't normally criticize, we have to talk about what we saw. A guy with an acne-scared complexion that would rival Freddy Krueger. I would normally feel badly for him, but oh, the arrogance! How about some old, tired, dancers with fairly nice bodies, but who missed some essential lessons in presentation. In the light of the lazers, you could see spots where one guy completely missed "manscaping" himself and had nasty patches of hair on his lower back! And the stretch marks wouldn't turn anyone on. Trust us, it just goes downhill from there. The big deal here is that they get "completely naked," but we'd have paid them to keep at least a g-string on. They were DESPERATE! They kept taking down their g-strings and making "presentation gestures" to the six of us watching in disbelief. Like haggared, liquored up girls scouts hawking their "thin mints," I just wanted to cry for them!

AGGRESSIVE

Apparently, the dancers were pissed that no one was there, and that we didn't want any private attention from them. Who could blame us?! Two drinks were $24 on top of $20 we paid to get through the front door of an empty 80's decorated barn. The one guy offered to take down his pants, and when we weren't interested, he got nasty with us! He said, and I quote, "where are all these 'NO's' coming from?!!!!" And then he got downright hostile and confrontational! Finally, he flipped us off and moved on to a couple fat guys probably more desperate than the dancer, and even they felt "tapped out" and didn't "appreciate him." Oh well, Ramen Noodle lunch tomorrow for the "pissy private dancer."

FINAL

We waited, and waited, and friggin' waited for things to improve. But they just got worse. My friend had a scotch with a twist, but the bartender put a LIME in it! Who puts a lime in Scotch? So, when my friend asked for a twist, he was met with hostility: "That was 20 minutes ago." So what! Put a damn twist in the $12 drink and be grateful we are there tipping you.

Two boring and expensive trips here. You couldn't put enough lipstick on this pig if you tried. Stay away...stay FAR away! I'm going to quote Yelp in concluding this review: "EEK, ME THINKS NOT!"

NEGATIVE STARS for this overpriced club that made me wish I'd have brought a jumbo can of Lysol with me. Like a plague of locusts that fell out of a troll's butt, this nasty club has descended upon us. Harry Potter says, "Yuck, Yuck , DOUBLE YUCK! Make it go away!" Parking? Plenty of it available. Good for Groups? NO! Not good for ANYONE! Noise Level? Quiet. Why? No one there! Expensive? HELL YES.

I came in with a group I friends. They are very strict with women being that this is a gay club. They asked me to please respect the dancers and the other customers and not act crazy. Lol. I totally saw what they were talking about later in the night. These women were crazy. They management staff was great. They made me feel welcomed. The guys, holy crap!!!!  Hotness. We had such a good time. The drinks were very strong and kept flowing. My gay friends had an absolute blast!  You should really go there. I will never forget it!  Go go go!