Kahoots Gentlemens Club

I have been to Kahoots twice. Each time I went, it was because I was in love with someone. "Because when you're in love, it just makes you want to eat average food in front of topless women...?" HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?

Visit 1: Some time ago, my girlfriend dumped me. My best friend, that I've known since high school, came in from out of town, and said "Let's fuckin' do shit!" Really, that's what he said. He doesn't swear often, but when he does, he means it. And nothing helps you kill the pain of lost love/make you wish you were dead inside than foods & boobs. I just made that up, and it rhymes. Upon entering, we were greeted by a scantily clad woman, who, of course, wanted us to pay some exorbitant fee to enter. The thing is, you can pay the fee...or maybe you can find a free local newspaper that has a coupon for free admission. Always do the latter...unless your friend is paying. He paid for both of us, and we entered. The place looks like a...bar/strip club. There are lights--possibly purple, as is required by law for gentleman's clubs [I made that up, but come on, strip clubs love purple lights]-- and a stage, and poles. We sat in a booth, and stared at the possibly-dead-inside topless woman, writhing emotionless around a pole. A waitress came over, I ordered the Jumbo Chicken Wings [$7] with their hot sauce, and my friend ordered a couple beers for us. In a short time, our order came in, and let me tell you, those wings looked pretty good. They weren't what I would call "jumbo", but they were much larger than, say, BW3's [no, I will not call it Buffalo Wild Wings. Weck FTW]. There were 8 wings, and they were nicely fried and spicy. As I drowned my sorrows in wings, my friend got in line at the stage for the privilege of putting a dollar bill in some woman's g-string. And yes, there was a line.

My friend decided to buy me a lap dance, because, you know, that's what friends do for friends. This dancer, a spritely young woman with short blonde hair and a love of acrylic shoes and nails, led me out of my booth, and made me sit on a chair in the aisle. She then started grinding on me, and pressed her breasts on my face. Two things went through my mind, 1) she's kind of smearing up my glasses 2) she smells really fruity. Like, really really fruity, a smell I recognize, but I couldn't nail down. My dancer wasn't really looking at me while she pushed her ass in my face, and can you blame her? She's just earning a buck, not really making this a worthwhile experience for her customers. But yeah, those wings weren't bad.

Visit 2: After a night of drinking, my friend kept checking Twitter, to see what was going on in Columbus. "Hey, [woman I like, with whom I had a great connection, but she was newly separated, so would it be weird if I asked her out? I don't want to be the rebound guy, even though I think we really have a connection] is at the Clintonville Farmers Market. We should go." I don't know why my friend wanted to go. I guess that's what friends do, right? Push you in a direction that could result in your happiness. Well, that's what non-asshole friends do. We drove to Clintonville, but he read an update from her on Twitter that said she was no longer there.

"That sucks...hey, let's go to Kahoots!"

"It's like 11:30am on a Saturday morning!"

"So...?"

He had a point. Off we went, this time using entrance fee waiving coupons ripped out of a free local newspaper. Surprisingly, there were quite a few people there. They probably came from the Clintonville Farmers Market, too. Nothing says "Saturday in Columbus" than buying locally-sourced heirloom tomatoes, and then getting titties shoved in your face. I wasn't hungry this time, but my friend ordered the Philly Steak Sandwich [$9], which he said was pretty decent. I think he ordered sweet potato fries, too. The problem is, fries are not included with the meal. Fries and other sides are $5 extra, which is pricey, and really not worth it. Unless all you want is fries, there's no point getting it in addition to you entree.

I wasn't really feeling the Kahoots during this visit, though, even when they played Bell Biv Devoe's "Poison" [which is a damn good song], and a dancer started doing weird upside-down moves on the pole. While my friend ate, a dancer kept coming by our table, and eventually sat down next to me, doing that "gentleman's club flirting"-thing, which basically has the same emotional delivery as the guy begging on the corner who said he needs money for bus fare. But I didn't want a lap dance, I kinda just wanted to "run into" my friend at the farmer's market. We would see each other at that one stand, that has a Godzilla figure next to the broccoli. And then maybe we'd get coffee, and talk, and laugh, and smile, and be happy forever and ever. But no, I was sitting there, listening to some woman ask me, "So what do you like to do? You look smart...ever see the champagne room?"

Oh, the fruity smell: Hawaiian Breeze Glade Plug-Inâ„¢

A strip club of caddy girls wanting to be called "entertainers'"...give them the right amount they turn into prostitutes.

COVER:  Paid 7 bucks to get in on a Saturday night.

CLUB SETUP: Only one stage area with two poles.  Kahoots usually have anywhere from 3-4 girls dancing on their stage at any one time.  You'll see them 'compete' for the poles.  For example, one stripper took her hands off the pole for 30 seconds...another stripper took the opportunity and 'ran' over to the pole to snag it away from the other girl.

GIRLS:  There's the whole range here.  Girls range from 5-8.  No stunnas.  Few black girls, but mainly white women working here.  

DANCES: Dances are $30...running 2 for 1s every hour or so.  A little pricy and a little tame.