El Ranchito Gourmet Pizza

If ever a restaurant were deserving of no stars, this would be the one.

I ordered through GrubHub. I am honestly and truly *appalled* at the notion that such a respectable and customer-oriented company like GrubHub would associate itself with this place.

My god, where to begin.

Let's start with what I ordered versus what I actually received.

I ordered the stuffed quail, the item description on GrubHub: "two whole quails stuffed with wild mushroom risotto."
I literally couldn't help but laugh when I opened the container and fully wrapped my mind around what they had sent me. The container included: two pieces of some unidentifiable poultry (at least I think it was poultry), burned and hard, not stuffed with anything, surrounded by watery, half-cooked Mexican rice (which isn't even on the menu!). Seriously.

So one of three things is happening here: 1) Either the restaurant owner/manager/chef thinks their customers have never seen risotto, or a mushroom for that matter, and therefore would never be able to tell the difference between that and Mexican rice, 2) The owner/manager/chef thinks that risotto is just another word for any type of rice, and they just happened to forget the mushrooms this time, or 3) It's a classic bait-n-switch, wherein they've done the math of the likelihood of people demanding a refund for the food they've received, which I'm certain is lower than the number of people who just eat it but never order from there again, and have decided that they can increase their profit margin by sending out incredibly sub-par food.

I'm leaning toward #3.

But wait. There's more!

I wasn't alone in this comical takeout misadventure.

Here is what my friends ordered versus what they actually received:

Friend #1 ordered the gamberi saltimbocca, the item description on GrubHub: "jumbo shrimp wrapped in prosciutto stuffed with our homemade herb-sage cheese and white mushrooms, served with buttered broccoli and roasted herb potatoes."
When said friend opened their container, at first glance they were certain that they had received the wrong menu item, but, upon further inspection, we realized that no, it was, in fact, what this place is trying to pass off as the aforementioned dish. The container included: overcooked shrimp, not stuffed with anything, and wrapped in large pieces of some sort of raw, painfully salty, cured meat (I know prosciutto, and this was no prosciutto), surrounded by...nope, not broccoli...no, not herb potatoes either...yes, you guessed it, watery, half-cooked Mexican rice.

Friend #2 ordered the New York strip steak, the item description on GrubHub: "With Chef J's signature sauce. Includes double baked potato."
This was the only container which held a recognizable dish, sort of. I mean, the steak was there, and, well, at least it was actually a beef steak, as advertised. Rather than a double baked potato though, there was a mess of mashed potatoes with bits of stuff in them. We were unable to pinpoint exactly what said stuff was though. Oh, and Chef J's special sauce? It turns out to be greasy water. It must be, given the amount of greasy water that filled the container.

It took us about ten minutes to accept that, sadly, there were no hidden cameras, and that this "restaurant" was seriously actually sending out "food" like this to customers.

We make the fairly incensed call to GrubHub. The woman on the other end apologizes profusely, and appears to be at a loss for words besides that. She calls the restaurant. Comes back on the line. Tells us that the restaurant offered to redeliver the food. I laugh a little too loudly. I tell her we just want a refund, some mouthwash, and vodka to help us get the taste out of our mouths. She calls the restaurant again. Comes back on the line. She sounds exasperated, tells us the manager hung up on her, but he did say he would have someone drive over and give us a refund (because we paid in cash). I thank her and she offers me GrubHub credit, because they actually care when their customers have a horrific experience involving eating indistinguishable meat products.

One hour later our refund arrives. A nice, smiling delivery guy hands me some cash. Tells me to have a great night.

And thus was my experience with El Ranchito Gourmet Pizza.

But hey, the food got here super fast!

I wish that I could give zero stars (and that I had been smart enough to look this place up on yelp before ordering).

First of all, my delivery bag was swimming with escaped sauce that got ALL OVER my apartment.

Not a promising start, but things like this happen and I still had high hopes for the actual food.

Unfortunately, my hopes were not rewarded.

I ordered the Avocado Salad. The avocado was not ripe; i understand that avocados are not in season presently, but if you cannot get useable fruit you should take the item off the menu. Also, the avocado was not, as described in their menu, "stuffed with grill calamari, fresh cherry tomatoes, onions, and shredded cheese" Nope, it was all just tossed together in with romaine. And the cheese was not shredded, but feta. wtf. and the calamari, which I usually love, tasted rubbery and horrible. So, needless to say, I didn't actually end up eating the salad.

Next, on to the Spaghetti Carbonara. First of all, upon opening the container I was met with an awful stench. Seriously, this dish literally stunk. Upon further inspection, I found that the "italian bacon" was actually canadian bacon, which is NOT the same thing, nor does it impart the same flavor. It was terribly "icky." The cheese all coagulated together in clumps which was obviously less than appetizing-- it was disgusting.  The noodles were positively swimming in excess sauce. Did i mention that the noodles were overdone? Totally mushy and positively gross.

Ohh, and to top it all off, the milkshake i ordered was not just melted but WARM.

INEDIBLE.  Just plain gross.  The food, which arrived cold and late, was obviously terrible to start with.  When I called to voice a complaint the woman was extremely rude to me and, though I didn't catch all of what she said, she called me a not-so-nice word when telling her manager that I was unsatisfied.  It's called a hold button and customer service, hun.  How can you mess up mozzarella sticks and salad??  Pathetic.  Will never EVER order from here again!